What I’ve Learned (and Unlearned) in 14 Years of Being a Dad

Fourteen Years a Dad

This Father’s Day will mark fourteen years since I became a father. That feels like a significant achievement. Father’s Day usually brings a mix of pride and gratitude for me. It also reminds me of how little we talk about the inner life of fathers, the pressure and stress, and the emotional balancing act many of us perform daily.

While fatherhood is rewarding, it is not a simple endeavour. Alongside the joy and fulfilment of raising children, there are social and emotional pressures that shape our experience.

Pulled in Two Directions

One call says: be open and present

One of the most challenging things I have had to navigate, and something I often see in the lives of many men I work with, is the clash between two sets of expectations about fatherhood.

On one hand, men are being called to be more emotionally present. Current ideas of fatherhood encourage us to be open, nurturing, and involved, physically and emotionally. This vision appeals to many men who want to be central in the lives of their children.

The other says: be strong and silent

But an older script is also still very much alive. It tells us to be strong, stoic, and always in control. We are meant to provide and protect, but not talk too much about how we are feeling. Vulnerability, in that script, is weakness.

Trying to straddle both scripts can feel exhausting. It reduces the space for men to be seen, not just as fathers, but as individuals trying to do their parenting job well while carrying baggage.

Start by Saying It Out Loud

One way to address the pressure is to name it. I encourage men to say it out loud. When we acknowledge that we are being pulled in two directions, we can start to make space to reflect on what kind of father we want to be.

That naming gives language to what many men are experiencing. Articulating our experience enables us to discuss the lessons we have learned that serve us well, as well as the ones we may need to unlearn.

While I have had conversations like this in therapy, there are many other spaces for men to have these conversations. They can talk with friends, partners, older relatives, and other fathers. It might also be easier to talk while getting a haircut, having a drink, or watching a game. The important thing is that we are discussing our experience.

The Quiet Side of New Fatherhood

When I became a father, I was excited and scared. Like many new dads, I was not fully prepared. And while there is more public discussion now about the role of fathers, most support and resources still focus on mothers. That makes sense in many ways, but it often omits men.

So, we try to figure it out as we go. I recall staying up late as a young father, reading, searching online, and asking questions whenever I could. I made sure to be present at doctor’s visits, even if I did not always know what to ask.

As I engaged in these activities and cared for the baby, my anxiety decreased. Basic things can help alleviate that sense of isolation. Reflecting on your experience at the end of the day, talking to people you trust, and acknowledging the struggle can also be beneficial. These steps can build confidence and more resilience.

When Parenting Gets Hard on the Relationship

Even in strong relationships, parenting brings stress. When people are tired and stretched caring for a new baby, it can put strain on the partnership. Communication can be more difficult.

In our culture, where many men co-parent across two households, the strain can be even more intense. There might be hurt feelings, miscommunication, or fear that conflict with a co-parent could damage your connection with your child.

These situations are complex, but it helps to be intentional about how and when you communicate. Regular check-ins, which might include brief and focused conversations about parenting, can help reduce tension and prevent things from escalating.

Couple or co-parenting therapy can also be a transformative experience. Even a few sessions can help each person feel heard and supported. When separation is part of the parenting story, clear written agreements regarding time, roles, and communication can make a significant difference for everyone, including the child who craves order and predictability.

Trying to Father Differently

Fourteen years in, I am still learning. Fatherhood is a role that has stretched me in many ways. And for those of us trying to show up differently than what we saw growing up, the road can feel rocky.

There is still a strong pull toward that outdated version of masculinity, where you keep your head down and push through. But more and more, I see men who want something more meaningful with their children. They want to be present, open, and connected. However, they often lack the necessary tools and support.

Why Talking About It Helps

That is why conversations matter. When we can name what is hard, when we seek out connection, when we talk about what it is really like, we break the silence that so many men are still sitting in.

Of course, talking about our experience does not make everything easy. But it reduces loneliness, makes us more honest, and helps us be the accessible fathers our children need.

I hope that we can create more space for those conversations, in barbershops, over a drink, and in quiet moments at home. Our children benefit when we show up with our whole selves, and so do we.

Jomo Phillips, Dad and Couple & Family Therapist